


Park me sideways

by Half_the_battle



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, College, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Henelope brotp, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Lots of swearing and humor, Mama bear Caroline, P/H/L are the three musketeers, Pizzie brotp, Witty Banter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2020-01-20 16:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18528751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_the_battle/pseuds/Half_the_battle
Summary: What do you do when you fall in love with one of your best friends who doesn't even know you exist romantically?Well, you get help from your two other idiot best friends, of course. One, who happens to be her sister and a royal pain in your ass, and the other, an ex turned best friend who lives solely to embarrass you.....all the time. Ok, so maybe help isn't the right word I should be using.....Who said love was simple and easy?....no really, who said that? Cause they are lying sacks of shit and I hate them.





	1. Hookers and sin

**Author's Note:**

> Don't know how this is going to go, considering it's my first Legacies fic, but we will see! I'm a huge sucker for banter and humour so there will be plenty. May not always be funny but oh well. No powers in this and they are all in college. Let's see what you guys think :) comments and kudos are always appreciated!

I’m abruptly woken up when I fall face first onto the hardwood floor. I groan loudly and roll over onto my back, glancing up at the culprit that caused my fall. I attempt to glare at them but I only end up letting out some sort of a noise that might indicate I'm sore but also that I'm pathetic. Yay me.

“Sweet hell, it’s like desperation and depression got married and decided to celebrate their honeymoon in here.” She quips, wrinkling her nose in disgust as she looks around the state of my room. “I know you’re the dark lord and all but this is just pathetic.” She says, walking over to the curtains, which were previously shut, and pulls them open, letting the sunlight in. I cringe and throw my arm over my eyes to shield them from the blinding pain. 

“Fuck off, Lizzie. Let me sleep in peace.” I mutter, attempting to sound angry but it doesn’t quite reach its mark. I know this because a shirt is suddenly thrown in my face. I pull it off and glare at her. 

“You know what they say, Park, no rest for the dicks.” She says, shrugging at me. I open my mouth to correct her line but she continues. “Get the fuck up and get dressed. We have lunch with mom and I refuse to let you sit here in your own filth and sulk any longer because my sister is dating a moron with abs of steel.” She states, looking thoughtful. I scoff and throw my pillow at her, hitting her directly in the face. I fist pump in victory when she glares at me. “Don’t take your frustration out on me, Franklin, I'm just stating the obvious.” She says, and I suddenly frown, returning her glare.

“I’m not upset about Josie dating him.” I lie, obviously not well, cause Lizzie scoffs and crosses her arms. “I’m not! I just....think she can do better.” I mumble, averting my eyes. “Also, you better pray that Hope doesn’t hear about you preening over,” I pause, doing my best Lizzie impression, “...Mr. Abs of steel.” I flutter my eyelashes, mockingly. “She would be pissed.” I warn, smirking at the tall blonde. She rolls her eyes. 

“I was not ‘preening’, I was just simply stating a fact,” She pauses, clicking her tongue. “Anyways, chop chop Pennywise,” She claps her hands and I moan in defeat, knowing that she won’t leave me alone until I go. I sit up and run a hand through my hair....gross. Lizzie recoils in slight disgust. “...and for the love of everything evil, take a fucking shower you trash panda. I’d rather not sit close to a dumpster fire while I eat my Fettuccine.” She chirps, before turning around and exiting my room. Fuck me. 

I sit there for another moment before letting out a sigh and reaching for my phone, which was on my night stand. Sure enough, I have a few missed calls, a dozen texts and a voicemail. Most of which were from Josie. I groan angrily and stand up, tossing my phone on my bed. Josie was going to be pissed at me for ignoring her. This fucking sucked. Being totally in love with your best friend and her not being even the slightest bit interested in you? Also sucks. Finding out that said girl is dating someone else and you’ll most likely have to watch their disgustingness? Really fucking sucks. Oh well, not much I can really do but wallow when I'm alone. After this dinner with Caroline. Le fucking sigh. 

 

ONE HOUR LATER

 

I pull up outside Hope’s house and let out a frustrated sigh as I contemplate just bailing and possibly driving off a high cliff. That sounds more appealing than sitting down and watching Josie be affectionate LeBron Lames....fuck, I can’t even make good jokes when I'm feeling this salty towards life. You know what? Fuck this....I’m just gonna leave. 

My thoughts of fleeing, however, are interrupted when I hear a knock on the window next to me, and I will never admit out loud that I may have let out a tiny scream at the sudden intrusion. Never. 

“Ma’am, step out of the vehicle and please remain silent. Anything you say can and will, most likely, annoy the fuck out of me.” A voice recites, a large smirk on their face. I roll my eyes and open the door wide, hitting them in the thigh. “Umm, ow. Rude.” 

“I know you’ve always been into role play, but we don’t do that with eachother anymore, boo.” I say, sending a mock wink to the other girl. She snorts and rolls her eyes. “No blush or giggle? Who the fuck are you and where is Hope ‘clusterfuck’ Mikaelson?” I ask, holding a hand to my heart in shock. She shoves me lightly as we walk towards the restaurant. 

“Suck a dick, Penny. You never complained about our role play and I'm pretty sure I've seen you blush and giggle a few times.” Hope retorts, smirking. I scoff. “Also, we both know that the only clusterfuck around here is you, since you’ve been MIA for days and I just caught you about to pull a Fast and Furious and peel the hell outta here.” She says, sending me a pointed look when I go to protest. 

“Was not.” I mutter, though she doesn’t hear me. Thank god. 

“I honestly thought Josie was going to send out a search party.” She chuckles, and at the mere whisper of her name, my smile falls slightly. I turn away, hoping that she doesn’t notice, but of course she fucking does. “Guess that means you’ve heard about her and Raf.” Her voice is soft and though I normally find it soothing, it just kind of annoys me. 

“Can I not just take a mini vacation by myself without telling my keepers where I am at all times?” I say, sarcastically. I shoot a pointed look at her as I open the gate for us to walk around the back. “I was taking some time to relax and re-evaluate my lifestyle choices...” I start, but am interrupted. How dare she? 

“Lizzie said you were wallowing and smelled like hookers and sin.” Hope deadpans, raising her stupid eyebrow. I glare at her. “Her words, not mine.” She says, holding up her hands in defence.

“Ya well, you’re girlfriend is a dick and I kinda wanna push her into a pit of snakes but you don't see me ever judging her for doing what she wants.” I reply, shrugging slightly. Hope glares for a moment, before suddenly looking thoughtful. 

“She does do ME often and you don’t judge, so that’s a valid point.” She replies, and I nearly recoil in disgust. Gross. I look up and see Lizzie sitting at the patio table and I thank whoever I need to that she is the only one here right now. 

“That’s right, make me throw up before I sit down so that I have an excuse to leave. Please.” I say, pretending to throw up. Hope chuckles and wraps an arm around my neck, hugging me to her side, slightly. I cringe. 

“Mmmhmmm. Just imagine where these fingers have been.” She says, suggestively while attempting to caress my face. I pull away hastily, cringing.

“Fuckin’ gross, Hope!” I shiver in disgust, pretending to wipe off dirt. “Ugh, I'm going to walk over to your oven in the kitchen and light myself the fuck on fire. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll die quickly.” I reply, lightly slapping Hope’s hands away as we reach the table. 

“Stop touching my girlfriend, you floozied, week old tart.” Lizzie growls, playfully. Hope smiles proudly, but I just scoff and roll my eyes. These two are disgusting. 

Side note, though. Lizzie actually doesn’t know that Hope and I used to have a thing back in the day and both of us had agreed to never divulge said information. Ever. To anyone. We are both aware that Lizzie would ACTUALLY light me on fire if she knew. So, ya. 

“Don’t worry, I'm currently on my way out back to stick myself into her oven to die in case I contracted any diseases.” I deadpan, and Lizzie nods, satisfied with my answer, before looking back down at her phone. She types in something quickly. 

“Alright well make sure it’s turned on all the way, who knows...maybe it will warm up your soul.” She answers, not lifting her head. I chuckle. 

“You have to have one of those for that, Dizzy.” I reply, and she shoots her head up to glare. Hope slaps me before taking a seat. I frown and sit next to her, rolling my eyes when they kiss. As much as I mocked them daily, I really loved that Hope found someone like Lizzie. Sure, Lizzie was a bitch and drove me insane, but she treated her like a Queen and vice versa. Hope was like family to me and I was glad that she found happiness after all the trash she usually dated or went for. Me included. 

So far, it’s just Lizzie, Hope and I here and I'm thankful for that. Honestly I'm dreading having to see Josie and not even because of her lame boyfriend who I knew would be accompanying her. Oh no, the reason I was dreading her mere presence right now was because I knew she was absolutely, down right pissed and if I've learned anything over the years, it was that you DID NOT piss off Josie Saltzman. She was more deadly than Lizzie could ever be. Terrifying, actually. 

“So, on a scale from 1 to I'm gonna piss myself, how worried are you about seeing my sister right now?” Lizzie asks, a wide smirk on her face as she sets her phone down. I glare at her question. 

“Liz, don’t antagonize her. She already knows she’s in a lot of shit.” Hope says, with a saccharine smile on her face as she turns to me. I open my mouth to reply but am cut off. 

“Girls, how many times have I told you to not be assholes? It’s like you’re children again.” Caroline Forbes scolds, as she walks out of the patio doors. She’s carrying a casserole dish, which I can only assume is Fettuccine. I smile at the older blonde. 

“Come on, Ms. F, you know that’s impossible for them. It’s in their blood to be dicks to me or just...dicks in general.” I reply, a smirk on my face. Hope and Lizzie both flip me off and Caroline laughs, setting down the dish on the table. She then clips both girls on their ears, causing them to scowl. 

“Ow, Mom, what the hell?” Lizzie whines, holding her injured ear. “She started it, why isn’t she getting beat up?” She mumbles and I let out a laugh. 

“Sorry, Ms. F.” Hope concedes, seemingly chastised. I desperately try to hold back my laugh, but apparently, due to the intense glare I'm getting from Hope, I'm failing miserably.

“I wouldn’t be smiling if I were you, Penelope.” Caroline replies, and my smirk drops. “My other daughter is currently walking in the front door as we speak and she is on fire right now. As far as I know, you’re her target.” She explains, smirking. I frown but I can feel slight fear enter my body. Fuck.

“PENELOPE MARIE PARK!” We all hear being shouted from inside. I pale instantly, and look at the other three for help. However, when all three are simply shrugging or smirking in my direction, I scowl at them. Bitches. Caroline walks around the side of the table and leans down slightly. 

“May the odds ever be in your favour.” She whispers, loud enough for the others to hear. Hope and Lizzie chuckle but before I could yell at the them, the patio door slides open and I see the enraged eyes of my best friend. Oh fuck balls.


	2. Light me up, Satan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Thank you guys sooooo much for the comments and kudos!! I'm so happy :):) I'm glad you guys are liking it! Penelope is such a fun character to write! Honestly, my favourite two to write are Penelope and Lizzie because I see so much hilarious potential in their friendship, so this story will have some fun stuff with them and Hope adding to it will make it ten times better! Josie will be more involved as well, just give it a bit of time! There will be lots of Posie times after I get some fun stuff out of the way! Anyways, enjoy this chapter....the lunch! Hopefully you guys like it!
> 
> Also, it's Penelope Park. Do you honestly think she's gonna be sitting on the sidelines and pouting for long without trying to get her girl?! Pffft. No way! Just gonna have to wait and see what happens ;)

“Oh hey, JoJo, fancy seeing y-” I start but instantly stop when she holds up her hand, her glare harsher than before. If I could evaporate, not only would I do so willingly, but I would have been vaporized the moment she stepped in here. Then probably would have turned to ice. Like damn, did it just get frosty in here?

“Dun, dun, dun dun, dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun dun.” Lizzie hums the death march, quietly. I shoot a sharp glare at her and kick her under the table. She flinches and yelps. “Ow, you death sentenced hobbit.” I shoot her a pointed look but end up yelping myself when Hope kicks me back. I then turn my glare to her. 

“Still think lighting yourself on fire is a good option?” Hope asks, lowly, with a smirk. “Might be less painful.” I frown and look back up at Josie who is-

“Shit balls, JoJo!” I yell out, slightly terrified as I gaze up at the girl who apparently materialized the fuck in front of me. “I-how did you get over here so fast?” I chuckle, nervously. Before another word can be said, however, I feel a smack to my head. Sorry, a hard smack to my head. “Ow! Jesus, you hulk.” I rub the back of my head. Girl has a strong arm. 

“You’re a moron! Where the hell have you been?! I have been worried sick about you, you-you....ass face!” Josie yells, and my eyebrows go up, along with everyone else’s. It was very rare that Josie resulted to curse words.

“Josette, maybe you should give Penelope a chance to explain?” Caroline cuts in and I've never been more freakin’ thankful. Good god. 

“Fine. Explain.” Josie growls, and I know it may not be appropriate to think so but....damn she’s so hot when she’s angry. I mean, the way she folds her arms and has this cute little angry pouty face that- “Penelope.” I snap out of my thoughts and swallow harshly. 

“Well...you see. I have a really good reason as to why I was not able to answer nor return any of your calls.” I start, nodding a little too widely. Damn. Think of something....think of something. Why the fuck can’t I think of something?! “Really good. So good that you are instantly going to forgive me and we will never speak of it again.” I continue and if I could throw myself off a cliff right now, I would do so with joy. 

“Penelope had the flu!” Hope cuts in and I near cry in relief for once. Thank god. She is a life- “....ya the diarrhea was so bad that she was unable to move at all or it would just,” She motions an explosion with her hands, “...brutal. Worse than all the puke and...” 

“Rashes! So many rashes all around, especially on her more delicate areas.” Lizzie cuts in, mock pity on her face. I stare at them, angrily, and I swear I can feel one of my eyes twitching to try and contain all the fucking rage I feel towards them. 

I’m going to fucking kill them both. Like, I will use a rake to skin them alive after I pour tabasco sauce in their eyes and in their big holes they call mouthes. Then I will sprinkle peroxide on their cuts like a damn garnish. Of all the damn excuses they could have come up with, this is what they say?! Towards the person I am desperately in love with?! UGHHH!

“Oh gosh, are you feeling ok, Pen?” I hear Josie ask, softly. I shoot my gaze up to her and see those big, caring doe eyes that always makes me melt into my seat and I can’t help the way my heart pounds in my chest. Damn thing. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were sick! I would have come over to help you feel better.” She says with concern as she sits in the seat next to me. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out, especially when she puts a hand on my back and rubs soothing circles, just like she’s done since we were kids whenever I wasn’t feeling well. 

“I’m ok, Jo. Much better. Promise.” I whisper, a soft smile on my face. Which only seems to happen around her. She returns it and for a moment, it seems as if it was just the two of us...of course, I knew that wouldn’t last long. 

“All good now, I mean, it was terrifying there this morning. I thought I walked into a bomb that blew up in her room. Huge shit storm, I'm telling ya.” Lizzie explains, a large smirk on her face. Hope giggles next to her. Fuck my life. I grit my teeth in anger and try desperately to not throw food in their faces. Or my fist. 

“Alright enough,” Caroline cuts in, setting down some plates and forks. “...can we just have a peaceful lunch now?” She asks, and I sigh in relief....which is short lived. “No need to be rash about the shit-uation.” She jokes, a smirk on her own face. It’s quiet for a moment before everyone-except me-burst out laughing. Fuck me. I groan and run a hand over my face, still aware of the fact that Josie still has a hand on my back. 

As much as I hate being the butt of the joke, I can’t deny how happy it makes me to see Josie smile and laugh. She’s always been incredibly beautiful, no matter what, but there’s just something about seeing her let go of her seriousness for a moment. About seeing her letting loose and enjoying things. About seeing her happy. Which is why I'm so torn up about her being with someone else. I want her to be happy, but it really sucks seeing it happen without me. 

“I thought I heard laughing.” We hear a male voice from the door, and I instantly tense up. Great. Just fucking great. I glance over and out of the corner of my eye I can see Josie’s smile brighten and I swear I feel like someone just kicked me in the heart. “Mind if I join, ladies?” He asks, charmingly. Make me gag. 

“Absolutely! Come on in, Rafael!” Caroline says, smiling. Josie removes her hand from my back and I feel the loss instantly. I watch as she stands up and hugs him tightly, laughing when he picks up in a bear hug. I recoil in disgust and look down at my food. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry at all. 

“Sorry, I'm late! I was just helping some of the guys at the animal shelter downtown and got caught up! Hopefully I didn’t miss your delicious cooking, Ms. Forbes.” Rafael says, politely, with a bright smile. Is this guy for real? Animal shelter? Like, you might as well bow down at her feet you teacher’s pet. I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. 

“Did you get to play with the puppies again?!” Josie asks, excitedly. My eyes flick to her face and seeing it all happy and excited makes my stomach flip. Damn. 

“Not today, but we have a scheduled play date with a new litter this weekend! I could use an extra set of hands, know anyone available?” He asks, smiling. Josie nods, quickly and he chuckles, throwing an arm around her shoulder. Blech. 

“If you need anymore help, I'll do it too!” Hope says, smiling widely. I shoot my eyes to hers. Who’s side is this bitch on?! Her smile fades a bit when she looks at me, before turning sheepish. “I love puppies.” She mutters, and I actually do roll my eyes. Again. Unbelievable. She can't just...Wait a second. 

“Umm I thought we were running the trail this weekend?” I question, staring daggers into that little red headed flake. “We had it all planned out for weeks, Hope.” 

“Well we can always run it next weekend, P!” She offers, nervously. Her eyes flick from me to Rafael and Josie and I assume that she is trying to tell me something but I'm too sour to understand it. “You and Lizzie can still go.” 

“I’ll definitely be going to hell first!”

“I’d rather tongue a rattle snake.” 

Those are the two responses that both Lizzie and I voice upon hearing Hope’s suggestion. We both turn to eachother and frown. Laughter echos around us as we both gaze with looks of disgust. 

Ok, Lizzie and I have been best friends....er, best frenemies as long as I had known her and Josie. I mean, for awhile we couldn’t stand each other at all. Not when we are alone anyways. We typically end up fighting, like physically fighting, or we end up having a great time....and then spending the night in the campus security office or a jail cell. It isn’t a good combination. Ever. We also argue over Josie, a lot, and that in itself is never good. A nuclear explosion would be the lesser of two evils. 

“If I wanted to hang out with satan, I'd jump in front of a bus.” Lizzie says, nonchalantly. I scoff and raise an eyebrow in her direction. 

“I’d gladly drive that bus, flap jack Barbie.” I growl, eyeing the blonde with disdain. She rolls her eyes and flips me off. 

“Girls, can we not revert back to when you were 11 years old? Don’t you think referring to Penelope as Satan or the Dark Lord is getting a little old, sweetie?” Caroline asks, giving Lizzie a pointed look. She seems to think about it for a moment before smirking. 

“No. Not when it’s the truth, Mom. She tried to suck my soul once.” She says, shrugging and my eyes goes wide. Like, is this thing serious? She wants to play this game with me right now? Pffft. I’m in a mood, so bring it, Cinder-hella.

“I wouldn’t suck your ANYTHING, you nasty ass, roach licker!” I say, pointing at her, disgust clear on my face. Lizzie, in turn, goes red. Ha. 

“Can you guys-”

“THAT WAS ONE TIME!” Lizzie yells, standing up and pointing back at me. I stand up and cross my arms, a smirk lighting up my face. “It was a freaking dare!” 

“Hey!” A shout startles us both, and we turn to look at the owner of the voice. Josie is frowning at us both and we both feel the weight of it. “Can you two just shut up and enjoy lunch, please? I’m trying not to scare Rafael away.” She pleads, looking between the both of us. 

“Yes, I agree. Let’s avoid the pissing contest you two always seem to do and eat before it goes cold.” Hope adds, glaring at the two of us. We both sigh and take our seats. Rafael laughs and turns to Josie. Gag. 

“That was actually amusing!” He says, chuckling. “It would take a lot more then a comedy show to scare me off, babe.” He says, kissing her cheek, to which she smiles, shyly. I clench my teeth at the action and stab my fork into the noodles, rather aggressively. Fucking dick nugget. Kissing her cheek. Babe. Who....does she like this kind of shit? I mean, maybe I should....start being...affectionate? Or like...sweet? Fuck. 

“You two are adorable.” Caroline coos, and that really makes me want to gag. I can’t believe she is encouraging this...this travesty. Ew. Josie and Rafael both smile and cuddle together. Ugh. 

“Anyways, I would love another set of hands this weekend, Hope. If you guys are ok with it, of course.” He offers, looking between Lizzie and I. We open our mouths to answer but Hope cuts us off.

“Absolutely, Raf. I would love to.” She says, smiling at him. She turns her gaze to Lizzie and I and she honestly looks terrifying. “You two will be running the trail this weekend. No. Questions. Asked.” She punctuates her words and we both stay silent for a moment. Lizzie, the dumb bitch, opens her mouth to say something but Hope holds up a finger, silencing her. “You are going, Liz.” The blonde deflates and sinks in her chair. I can’t help but snicker. 

“Whipped.” I cough out, smirking when the blonde glares at me. However, a tap on my shoulder makes me turn towards Josie, who is smiling. 

“You should go too, Pen. I know you love the trails. Please?” She pleads, her doe eyes begging me. Fuck nuts. Damn. Why can’t I just avoid her eyes?! Look. Away. Penelope! Look.....away....aw crap. I soften and nod. 

“Sure, JoJo.” I concede, quietly. I hear a whipping noise and turn to glare at Lizzie who is smirking at me. She makes the motion of a whip. Hope snickers beside her and says nothing. 

The rest of lunch is as awkward as it can be. Well, for me it is and only because I have to watch Beauty and the Beast practically mack on eachother throughout the whole thing. Rather the Beast mauled the Beauty. I almost threw up 5 times. Plus, I had two basic bitches, chuckling at the whole thing and not once did they look sympathetic towards my situation. Through my torture. At all.

The only saving grace was Ms. F and that was only because she would interfere if any teasing broke out. Even that wasn’t enough to stop me from insulting everyone, except Josie, a gazillion times. Well, insulting them in my head and possibly plotting Hope and Lizzie’s murders. There were so many ways I could kill them and nobody would ever know. Ever. 

For now, I'll just have to sit and listen to this garbage that is being thrown around this table until this inevitably ends. Hopefully soon. Good god, why do I always get myself stuck in these situations?


	3. Non-explosive, thanks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, guys! Just been a little busy! :) But I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment and/or send a kudos! Makes a girl feel special! This is just kind of a fun filler chapter but I promise I have exciting and hilarious stuff planned for the next one!! Hopefully you guys enjoy this though! Leave some comments or kudos, as always, they are my fav!

The moment I got to leave was the favourite part of my day, because after I say my goodbyes, I take off like a bat straight out of hell. Unfortunately, Josie has longer legs than I do and catches up to me right before I make it to the safety of my car. Damn, Bambi legged Goddess. 

“Pen! Wait up!” She shouts, and I close my eyes and say many colourful curse words under my breath before turning around with a smile on my face. She stops in front of me and narrows her eyes. “Ok, now that we’re not in front of people, do you wanna tell me why you actually avoided me for a billion days?” She accuses, cocking her hip and folding her arms. Fuck me if that isn’t attractive as hell. Focus, Park. 

“I-I was sick, remember? Lots of puking and....diarrhea?” I say, though it sounds more like a question. Josie raises her eyebrows but stays silent. I let out a deep sigh and rub the back of my neck. Lie, lie, lie. “Look, I'm just...super stressed, Jo. I have two mid terms coming up and it’s hard to study in an apartment filled with boys. I didn’t mean to avoid you, I promise.” I say, seriously. Josie eyes me for a moment and I know, for a fact, that she still knows I'm lying, but thankfully, she lets it go. For now. 

“Ok. You could of told me that you were struggling,” She says, grabbing my hand. I swear I get chills every time she touches me. Also, no. Said chills are not multiplying, nor will I lose control. So..no. “...I would have helped you study, or brought over snacks so we could binge watch Criminal Minds.” Josie smiles brightly and lets go of my hand, which makes it feel empty. 

“I’m alright, I swear. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hear, in person, that you and Rafael are dating.” I say, apologetically, though not actually. I look down at the ground. “That’s a big thing. I’m happy for you.” I finish, looking back up at her with what I hope is a sincere smile. Josie stares at me for a moment, and her smiles falls for a split second before she brightens up. 

“Ya, I wish I could have had my best friend there,” She teases, and I roll my eyes, “..but I understand. Just promise you won’t do that again without telling me, ok? I just worry.” She admits, and I notice her picking at her nails, something she only does when she’s super anxious or nervous. I grab her hands, immediately stopping the motion. 

“I won’t. I promise.” I state, seriously. “I never want to make you feel like I don’t want to see you, and I would never abandon you. Ever.” I catch her eyes with mine and shoot her a smile, to which she returns. It takes me a moment before I realize that I'm still technically holding her hands. I don’t let go though and neither does she. 

“You always know what to say to ease my worries, Penny.” She says, quietly. She searches my eyes for a moment before pulling me into a tight hug. Her arms wind around my neck, and mine automatically go around her waist. We’ve hugged many times in the course of our friendship, but lately it always feels more intimate. I could never give up my Josie hugs though, even if my heart is a little sore from her dating a giant tree trunk. 

“Release yourself from evil, twin! May the power of me, compel you!” I swear to ever loving fuck that I will actually push the abominable snow bitch in front of a bus. Worst timing ever.

“Compel yourself into the street, where your kind belong.” I reply, nearly sighing when Josie pulls away, chuckling. We both turn to Hope and Lizzie who are currently walking over to us. 

“Do you two ever say anything nice to eachother?” Josie asks, an amused smile on her face. Lizzie and Hope stop in front of us. 

“Probably not. Liz has a book of insults she writes everything down in, just so she can insult Penelope.” Hope admits, shrugging. Lizzie turns to her girlfriend, slightly scandalized. 

“Baby! You promised you wouldn’t say anything!” She whines, and I roll my eyes. A fucking book of insults? Who does t-ok wait. That is actually a pretty good idea. Not that I would ever let her know that. 

“Stop whining, you overgrown child.” Hope scolds, shooting a look to the blonde. She looks at me and lifts an eyebrow. “How’s your diarrhea?” She asks, holding in a smirk. I scowl in her direction. 

“Non-explosive. Thanks.” I deadpan, and she chuckles. “Well as much fun as hearing Lizzie talk about herself is, I'm gonna go jump off a cliff cause that sounds more enjoyable.” I say, a fake smile on my face as I regard Hope and Lizzie. 

“You wish jumping off a cliff would save you. Bitch, I would haunt you in your afterlife.” Lizzie replies, a smug smile in place. I roll my eyes. 

“Fine. New plan, I throw us both off the cliff and let the demons feast on you while I rule the underworld.” I say, shrugging. “Being the dark lord and all.” I finish, smirking widely. 

“Can you guys give it a rest?” Josie asks, though she has an amused smile on her face. “Look, I've gotta go, Raf is taking me to an art exhibit,” Josie explains, her eyes lit up in a way that makes me happy, yet sad. “...but I wanna make sure that you are feeling better tomorrow so will you text me?” She asks, looking at me with questioning eyes. God damn, grow some balls, Park! Tell her you may be busy! You got other plans- “Please, Peez?” She begs, and I realize that I’m apparently fucking neutered. No balls for this chica! Fuck. My. LIFE.

“I will, Jo.” I say, softly. I hear Lizzie snicker and I almost wish I could sew her nostrils shut so she wouldn’t be able to breathe properly. Wheezy McLip-flapper.....don’t ask me where I get this stuff. 

“Also, have fun on your run this weekend! Please don’t kill eachother or end up in jail. I’m too broke to bail you out this time.” Josie half jokes, as she starts to walk backwards away from us. “Bye Penny, please text me tomorrow. See yas later!” She yells, smiling before turning and walking towards Rafael who is smiling at her. Eck. 

“Were gonna head out too, we have a movie to get to.” Hope explains, opening her mouth to continue but stops when I suddenly glare at the two of them. 

“Diarrhea? The damn flu?! What the fuck? You guys are such assholes!” I growl, angrily. The two of them snicker. 

“Well to be fair, you do look like shit today. Seriously, could you not take a little time to look presentable after crawling around your apartment like a whisky soaked whore after a night with Hugh Hefner?” Lizzie asks, almost seriously. My glare intensifies. 

“You basically boot fucked me off the bed and called me a trash panda. You’re lucky you are still fucking LIVING, you narcissistic, bottle blonde.” I snarl, stepping in Lizzie’s face. She looks offended. 

“Excuse the fuck me? This is au natural, you turtle eyed motherfuc-” Lizzie starts but Hope steps in between us, shooting a glare of her own. 

“Alright. Enough!” She growls, and we both immediately shut up. “Jesus, it’s like standing in between two rabid dogs. Can we just leave this dinner in peace for once?” Hope asks, eyeing us both. We nod. “Okay. Good. Now, we have to go and leave you to your explosive diarrhea.” She says, and I frown. “Lizzie will see you this weekend.” 

“Gee can’t wait.” I deadpan before hearing Lizzie scoff. “Adios, Nope. Catch ya never, Elizabitch.” I say, waving obnoxiously at the two of them before flipping them off as I head to my car. 

I make it to my car without another incident and sigh in relief. I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to survive this weekend. Lizzie and I will probably die on the trail. Rather, I'll die cause she’ll annoy me to death. I’ll probably die twice, in that case. Is that possible? Probably not, but like, very likely to happen.

Never mind that though, it was time to get my head out of my ass. Josie and that overgrown Moose didn’t belong together. I will tear his grubby, but slightly attractive, hands away from her body and if there was anything that I was good at, it was manipulation and scheming. Game, the fuck, on.


	4. Corn Puff Barbie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so...I know. It's been awhile, but hey! Here's a new chapter! Not my fav one but one that needed to be done, none the less! Cheers to anyone who can find a little one liner that references a movie that I enjoy! Also, thank you to all of you who continue to comment, kudos and hit this fic up!! You all are amazing :)

When I get home, I open the door and sigh as I see my roommate, Jed, and his best friend, Landon, on the couch, gaming away and being loud ass heathens. Again. For fucks sake, no wonder I have to drink to fall asleep. 

“Peeeez! Holla at ya boysss! Come join us!” Jed yells, turning his eyes back to the TV. I roll my eyes, as I set my keys down. I hear a loud explosion on the TV followed by some whoops. 

“You seriously have to come try this, P! This game is wicked!” Landon says, excitedly. Now normally, I sometimes partake in their silly shenanigans, because they are actually hilarious to hang out with. However, after the disaster that was lunch, I kind of want to die peacefully in my bed for the next, oh I don’t know, eternity? 

I know I said that I was gonna pull my head out of my ass, and rest assured, I definitely will.....but first, I need to lay in bed and die for a day. Without interruptions. My head feels like someone punched me in the ass so hard it reached my eye sockets. That probably wasn’t the best visual but I feel like crap. Sue me. 

“Sorry boys, I've got a lovely and romantic date with my bathtub and then I might cheat on it with my bed. You’re on your own and please, for the love of satan, turn that shit down so my eardrums don’t fucking explode all over this apartment?” I say, raising my eyebrows. 

“Alright P, you best be wearing protection though. I hear your bed is slutty!” Jed jokes, sending me a wink when I roll my eyes, playfully, before heading towards my room but not before hearing Landon scold him slightly. What morons.

Jed and I becoming roommates is actually a funny story because the two of us never ran in the same circles. Ever. He had his crowd and I had mine. However, one night about two years ago, right around our freshman year, we ended up in the campus security cell together due to some...umm rather provocative things.....and we bonded. Ew, NOT those kind of provocative things! Like, penis is not cup of fucking tea. We just may have....taken a dare or....five. It may or may not have consisted of nakedness and water. Maybe a lake. Who knows? Anyways, he also caught on, very quickly, that his ‘lil boi’ isn’t my thing and we became friends. Evidently that led us to the conclusion that it was cheaper to live together. 

He was kind of my best guy friend, Landon too, and it was nice to have male friends sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I love Josie--obviously--and tolerate both Hope and Lizzie--those bitches-- but sometimes I just needed to look like a piece of shit and not care, ya know what I mean? I could care less what the boys think of me and they are 100% aware of that fact. Bless. 

I step into my room and shut my door, instantly noticing that the sound in the living room was turned down and it made me smile. At least they listen sometimes. I sigh heavily and throw my bag onto my bed before walking into my ensuite bathroom. The only thing about this apartment that I loved. 

After running a bath and adding some bubbles, I strip down and step in, moaning in appreciation at the hot water soaking my skin. I hadn’t realized how sore I was. As I lay in the tub I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to about 5 years ago, when we were all still in High School. Times were easier back then. Somewhat. 

Back then, I had been dating Davina Claire who was actually a gigantic bitch, now that I think about it. She treated everyone like they were beneath her and always had to have control. Over everything. Literally everything. I suggest pizza for dinner? She made a point of going over all the places that we could buy it and the nutritional value of each one. I think I lost weight that year...along with my dignity. 

Davina was Head Cheerleader and ran the Debate team like a pro. She was the perfect three B’s. Beauty, Brains, and Bitch. She often fought with me over petty things and it caused a lot of unnecessary drama between Lizzie, Hope and Josie...and my friendships with them. They absolutely hated her, even Josie, who would never admit it out loud. I honestly almost lost them because of it. Long story short, Davina thought her tongue was better shoved down some random dude’s throat at our prom, which ruined it by the way, and I dumped her. Sorry, correction, I dumped punch on her and then I dumped her. Classic Park move, I know, please hold your applause.

That night, however, also kickstarted my feelings for one Miss Josette Saltzman, unfortunately. That night, she left her own date, some douche named Larry...who the fuck names their child Larry?! Anyways, she left him and found me outside, not crying at all obviously, and asked me if I was okay. When I told her what happened, she held me tightly and told me that I was worth so much more and that I deserved the best before insulting Davina with words that almost made me blush. Josie then pulled me back into prom, with my head held high, and danced the rest of the night with me which made it a hell of a lot better. Of course, there was also the added fact that Lizzie punched Davina in the face and Hope tripped her into the refreshments table...that made my night a shit ton better. 

Regardless, that night made me truly realize that I had feelings for Josie and probably always had. It also made me realize that I was a jealous bitch and severely bad at hiding that fact. Which is why, when Josie dated anyone, I slept with everyone. Bad, I know, but like, don’t freaking judge me, alright?! I was lonely and sad and couldn’t tell Josie how I felt. I had a lot of repressed feelings for her and that’s when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. 

Hope and I had always been close, we all were, but Hope was hot and didn’t annoy me as much as Lizzie. We got along great, and she kept me sane when I wanted to staple Lizzie’s mouth shut, which was whenever she spoke, or when Josie showed interest in anyone at all. I owed her so much. However, mix all of that with loneliness and stupidity and you end up with us in bed together. Multiple times. In secret. Fuckin’ secrets. 

I won’t get into that story right now, that’s neither here nor there and definitely something I don’t want to think about while I'm in the bathtub trying to rest. Unfortunately, now that my mind is hovering over all of these thoughts, my mind starts to wander off to Josie. I mean, the girl is the sweetest. Her smile, her eyes. The way she cares about everyone....also I may have started to think unpure things, but like....I'm human. I’m allowed. Fuck my life. Or no....Unfuck my life, please? Ugh, why can’t life be simple? Why do tall, slightly attractive, nice, Josie stealing bastards sometimes resemble tree trunks? One of life’s shittiest unsolved mysteries, I suppose. 

After an uncomfortable amount of time in the bath, which resulted in me becoming a giant ass prune, I get out, wrap a towel around my body and step into my room, only to scream. Loudly. Wait, did I say scream? I meant....I pulled some karate bullshit and looked badass. Yes. Let’s go with that.

“What the fuck?!” I yell to the girl sitting on my bed. She stares at me wide eyed for a moment, almost as if I startled her. 

“Me, what the fuck? You, what the fuck?” She replies, in a slightly high pitched voice that I will make fun of her later for. “Why are you naked?!” Her eyes look up at down my body almost involuntarily until I clear my throat. Her eyes snap back to mine as I smirk. “Stupid question, I know.” 

“Corn puff Barbie, what the hell are you doing here? You scared the shit out of me, you fucking dildo.” I growl, turning away to pull some clothes out of my drawers. There isn’t a circle in hell that is gonna make me talk to her in my birthday suit. I hear her scoff behind me but ignore it as I pull out a pair of shorts and a tank top. 

“Look, we need to talk about this whole thing with Josie.” She states, and I almost freeze. I turn to look at her and hold up one finger, before going to the bathroom to change. Once I'm done, I grab my towel and start running it through my hair as I step back into the room. I eye the blonde on my bed. 

“What do you mean talk about this thing with Josie? There IS no thing with Josie, that’s the problem.” I say, bitterly, as I lean against the wall. I drop the towel into my laundry basket and eye her with disdain. “Regardless, what the fuck are you in my room for? I’m surprised the boys let you in.” 

“You mean, Jay and Silent Bob out there?” Lizzie snorts, rolling her eyes. “Please, all I had to do was breathe and they scrambled to let me in.” She laughs, but after a moment of me staring at her with a quirked eyebrow, she sighs. “Ok, so I may have threatened their lives and told them that I would Feng Shui their dicks if they didn’t move. It worked though. Now they can’t even look me in the eyes.” She states, almost proudly. Of course, those mousy bastards. 

“Look, as great as your presence isn’t...I'd rather sleep off today. So could you, I don’t know, make like a rejected hooker and fuck off?” I quip, hopefully. Lizzie glares at me and I can’t help but sigh, knowing that she’s not going anywhere. Fuck sakes. “Look, there’s nothing to discuss, ok?”

“Of course there is! Josie can’t be with Raf, they just...don’t look right.” She states, her face showing disgust. “Which means you have to step up, get some fucking balls and tell her how you feel!” I huff dramatically, before folding my arms across my chest. 

“I’m sorry, but did you not just say that he had abs of fuckin’ steel earlier today? You know, before you kicked me onto the floor?” I accuse, glaring pointedly at her. “He’s even nice, which makes me want to vomit, but if Josie’s happy, then who am I to stand in the way of that?!” I say, and Lizzie stares at me silently for a moment. She clicks her tongue and nods before standing up and heading to my door. Thank god, the bitch is g-

“Hey Jekyll and Hyde, get the fuck in here, I need your assistance!” Lizzie calls out my door and I frown. Great. After a moment, both Jed and Landon warily step into the room and eye me with apologetic looks. Lizzie turns back to me and mimics my stance by folding her arms. “Now that the whole bam fam is here, let’s discuss the stupidity that is Penelope Park when it comes to my dear sister. Landon please start.” Landon looks like a deer caught in headlights and clears his throat. 

“Ummm, well, I really think that you and Jo would be good...together. You can’t give up. Also..” He pauses, slowly eyeing Lizzie, who is staring intently at him. Almost glaringly obvious that this was rehearsed. “...you aren’t so bad as a person, so you would make her happy?” He finishes and smiles hopefully. I almost laugh when he cowers at Lizzie’s look.

“Jed..”

“Look Peez, I'm gonna be real simple with all of this. You have loved that girl since the day I met you, and you’re always going around saying how much you miss her when she’s not around. You always say that she makes you feel special, like you matter. That no one understands you like she does. She’s the only one that you let go with you to see your mom.” Jed says, sincerely. I can feel a sudden heat behind my eyes at his words and realize he’s right. 

“Why would you want to let that feeling go?” Lizzie asks, softly. 

For all the things that I couldn’t stand about Lizzie, the few good things outweighed them all. She may be a attention seeking, anger soaked, hellbeast from the great beyond...but Lizzie never pushed me when it came to my mother. She never joked about it. She never made jokes that surrounded it. She was the only person that didn’t push me to talk about it. I can’t help but admire her for that. 

“I don’t want to lose Josie.” I say, clearing my throat. “Telling her would do us all no good.” I explain and Lizzie sighs loudly. 

“Ok no. This...” She waves her hands up and down my body, “...needs to stop being a soaked blob of misery. I’m gonna help you get Josette.” She states, almost as if she’s doing the world a great favour. “We’re gonna help you get her.” She gestures to the boys who’s eyes are widened at the knowledge.

“...and why would you do that?” I question, glaring at the boys. They cower slightly. Good. “I am perfectly capable of....”

“Screwing up and crying in bed about it? Ya, we know.” Lizzie finishes, pointedly. I scowl and go to open my mouth but she cuts me off before I can get anything out. “We are gonna help whether you like it or not and the first step is to go out and party. This weekend.” She says, and I chuckle. 

“No way in hell.” I reply, eyeing the boys for help but they shrug. My eyes widen. 

“Might be a good idea. I mean, Josie will be there and you can look all hot and stuff and show off some moves?” Landon questions, more to himself than anything. I scoff. I am not some tart that shows herself off to anyone. I have class. 

“I don’t need a party to show off my ass.” I reply, slightly offended. Okay, so I'm not super classy. “Besides, we have that trail to run, love muffin.” I say, smirking at Lizzie. Her face contorts into disgust. 

“Ugh, never call me that again. Can’t we just skip it and go see the puppies with Jo and...” She starts and then it suddenly dawns on me. How could I have not seen this before? I laugh out loud. 

“Oh my god, I know why you’re so adamant about this now. You’re jealous that Hope is going with him and Josie to this thing.” I say, laughing. Lizzie looks shocked for a moment before turning to the boys. 

“Leave.” She commands and they practically run from the room. She turns and glares at me. “I am NOT jealous, ok? I just....Hope said she thought he was super nice and shit while we were watching the movie and it was kind of annoying.” She admits, looking anywhere but at me. Awww the bitch has a heart. “Besides, this is the lesser of two evils so jump on board, Park, cause the fucktrain is heading to town.” She growls, turning back around and marching swiftly out the door. 

“That just...sounds wrong.” I whisper, shaking my head in thought. I look up and see Lizzie glaring at me from the kitchen. “Oh, you mean now? You want me to board....the fucktrain...now.” I almost deadpan before seeing veins pop from her skull. Ok, yep, she means now. “Choo Choo motherfucker.” I mutter as I head into the kitchen.


	5. Take a walk in my park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....I'm sorry for the long wait. It's been a rough go and I just haven't been feeling like writing. However, that does not mean that this chapter will be garbage...well, hopefully not! This chapter is kind of a filler but at the same time, it has some good Pizzie comedy so I hope you enjoy anyways :) I'm sorry if there are mistakes! Thank you, once again, to all those who give kudos and comment because those are honestly the best part of my day! Much love!

Over the next few days, Lizzie insisted that we make a plan to get Josie to ‘see beyond the tree’ --not my words-- and to be completely honest with you, it was fucking exhausting. Lizzie, in general, is fucking exhausting. I swear to god, on multiple occasions, I wished that I could star in one of the Purge films, just so I could get away with Mean girling it and pushing her in front of a fucking bus. I know, I have a thing for wanting a bus to magically hit her. I mean, if Regina George can survive that shit, Lizzie could too. Mainly I just wanted her to be wrapped up in bandages so I can tie dye them like a fucking piñata and then beat the shit out of her for fun with a joyous smile on my face....is that wrong? Probably. Will it be worth it? Yes. A thousand times yes.

 

“How’s the planning going?” I hear from the other side of the table I'm sitting at, in the cafe where I am currently hiding from the she devil herself. I sigh and look up to see Jed, sitting back in his chair, arms crossed with a huge smirk on his stupid face. I close the book I was reading and run my hands through my hair. 

 

“I’m honestly considering just joining a convent and living out the rest of my days as a nun, just so I can happily avoid Lizzie for the rest of my life.” I say, somewhat seriously. Jed laughs. “She’s fucking driving me crazy, Jed. Like certifiably insane. Hell, check me into a freaking asylum at this point.” I plead, holding my hands together almost as if I was praying. 

 

“Lizzie is a lot to handle sometimes, but she can’t honestly be that bad, is she?” He asks, and I quirk an eyebrow in his direction. He snickers. “Alright, she can be that bad, but at least she is trying to help you get Josie.” He counters, uncrossing his arms. I scoff at him before rolling my eyes. If by help, he means that Lizzie is ignoring everything I say and trying to get Rafael to jump off her Hope train and then possibly hop off a bridge, than yes. She’s fantastic fucking help. 

 

“Lizzie’s definition of help is different than that of an actual dictionary.” I say, sighing. I pinch the bridge of nose in frustration. None of the shit that she planned was ever gonna help me get Josie, and at this point I was seriously doubting that anything was going to happen at all. Josie was happy with Rafael. “I get that she’s attempting to help, but Josie’s happy. Why would she even wanna be with me anyways?” I say, holding up a hand to count on my fingers, “...I'm grumpy 90% of the time, I have a very sick and twisted sense of humour, I snore like a dying bison with asthma, it fills me with great joy when little kids fall on their asses, and in the mornings I look like how a chef feels when Gordon Ramsay yells at them for fucking a recipe up.” I finish, taking a deep breath. That was a lot to say. Jesus. Jed simply stares at me for a full minute before chuckling and letting out a long sigh. He then rolls his eyes and leans forward towards me, almost as if he was about to tell me a secret. 

 

“Look, you know I would never say this in front of anyone, cause I have a reputation to uphold and all,” He starts, puffing up his chest a bit, which has me rolling my eyes. “..but you are actually a pretty great catch, Pen. You are caring to a fault, you don’t take people’s shit, you stand up for those you love and you never put your feelings above anyone else’s. You do so many little things for people that matter. Like putting notes on the fridge to remind me to pack a lunch everyday. Or how you always make sure that Landon brings tissues with him to Mr. Dixon’s class cause you know he is allergic to some of the chemicals in there. You always stop drinking early at parties if you notice that Josie, Lizzie or Hope are a little too drunk, just so you are able to get them home safely. It’s those things, P, that make you great.” Jed finishes, softly, and if I had fucking tear ducts, I would cry. Fuck, am I feeling emotional right now?! “You do fucking snore like a dying bison with asthma though.” He adds, with a shrug, aaaaaaand the moment is over. 

 

“Wow, you almost made that a compliment.” I deadpan, causing him to chuckle softly. I shake my head before looking up and....fuck me sideways on a rusty pipe su--

 

“What in the sweet hell is this trash? We have work to do and you’re what? Reading a book on how to be a bigger moron?” Lizzie growls, storming over and drawing the attention of literally everyone in the room. Fuck me. She glares at me for a moment before turning to Jed, who attempts to look like he hasn’t pissed his pants. “Move, Jedidiah.” He cringes and gladly hightails it out of there, moving almost as fast as the damn roadrunner. Meep, meep, you fucking coward. 

 

Lizzie takes his seat and leans across the table, her eyes full of shit disturbing and annoyance. I put my book down and cross my arms over my chest. We hold each other’s stare for a moment or two before she breathes out loudly from her stupid nose. 

 

“We need to be on our game, Park. The party is two days from now and we have got boost your ‘A’ game, cause frankly, you are sucking more than a hooker at a Politician’s meeting.” She says matter of factly which, in turn, makes me frown. I lean slightly closer to her, my eyes narrowed. 

 

“I don’t need any help with my ‘A’ game, you unripe lemon,” I growl, rolling my shoulders slightly. “..I have tons of game. I just prefer to save it for...people worth my time.” I reply, trying not to cringe at my own lie. Lizzie stares at me for a minute before practically cackling like a hyena. She wipes, what I'm assuming, is an invisible tear out of her eye before quirking an eyebrow. 

 

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help it. That joke you just told was hilarious. Please, enlighten me of this....game you speak of.” Lizzie inquires, while sporting a pensive look. I scoff and roll my eyes at her. 

 

Before I could retort, a waiter comes up to the table with a wide smile and after noticing his presence, I couldn’t help but let a smirk adorn my face. Alright, she wants game, I'll give her some damn game. She just won’t like it very much. 

 

“Anything else for you, ladies?” He asks, and before Lizzie can open her mouth, I reach across the table and grab her hand, shocking her. The guy follows our hands with interest. Bingo. 

 

“Well, I think my little love muffin here is a little thirsty, aren’t you, babe?” I coo, sweetly, while caressing her hand. She stares in shock for another moment before trying to rip her hand from mine in disgust. I hold it tighter and force a smile onto my face. “She’s just so thirsty, ALL THE TIME,” I state, rather loudly, before eying the waiter again. I send him a wink, as his eyes widen. “Grab us some waters while we had to bathroom, would you?” I ask, pouting. 

 

“The hell I am going t-” Lizzie starts, but I put a finger to her lips, briefly stifling her. She glares. 

 

“Shhh, my love. I won’t tell anyone of our encounter.” I promise, turning to look at the stunned waiter. “Ole Billy here won’t tell a soul either, now will you?” I question him, and he smiles before shaking his head back and forth. “Good, cause I'll let you in on a little secret,” I say, motioning for him to come a little closer. “I'm the sole heir to a really large throne, and I would hate for the paparazzi to see me in a conniving, despicable affair with a street trollop.” I admit, with a sad pout, trying not to laugh. 

 

“A street trollop? What the fu-” 

 

“Oh, I'm so sorry, darling. I meant a world class escort.” I correct, eyeing the obviously excited boy. Lizzie finally rips her hand out of mine and glares at me. “Oops, I've said to much.” I put a hand to my mouth almost as if in shock. 

 

“I am not a prostitute!” She practically shouts, standing up. I eye her, a smirk on my face before I eventually school my features. “You...”

 

“Of course you aren’t, honey bear. You’re high class. You deserve the world, my little tart...whoop, I mean, my lady of the night....oh no....that’s not right either,” I say, putting my fingers to my chin in thought. After a second, I snap my fingers with a smile. “I’ve got it! You’re the tramp to my lil lady!” I finish, a huge smirk on my face. 

 

In retrospect, I probably should of known what was going to happen next. I really should have. However, my mind just wasn’t in it, cause in the next few seconds, I have water being thrown in my face. I sputter briefly and eye the blonde with disdain. That bitch though. 

 

“How dare you insinuate that I would give myself to others willingly!?” She replies, in disbelief. The twinkle in her eye is bright. Damn. She’s in this game now.“I’m a high class woman, not one of your whores you like buy at Slutz-R-Us!” She states, rather loudly, in mock outrage. “We all know that you’re too cheap to afford me anyways.” People around us, watch in shock or absolute horror. Alright, Atomic Bitch, Daddy came to play. 

 

“Oh come now, Sugarpuss, don’t be so salty. Pretty blondes aren’t supposed to scowl like an old bitty at a rock concert.” I say, a charming tone in my voice. Or what I would deem charming. Lizzie shoots, what I'm assuming, a death glare in my direction. “Wanna little kiss to make it better, my little lamb chop?” I ask, puckering up my lips slightly. Lizzie almost recoils in disgust. 

 

“I’ll give you something to kiss, you slimy, iguana looking, cheater!” Lizzie says, before promptly slapping me across the face. Which I was not expecting. It also may or may not have hurt. I absolutely DO NOT have tears in my eyes either. Shit. 

 

“Umm, excuse me ladies.” A hesitant man from beside us says, as he eyes us both. “You’re gonna have to take y’alls fight outside.” He finishes, slightly terrified. We both turn to him, quickly, almost making the poor bastard shit his pants. 

 

“Go cry to your mother, you whiny little nerd!” Lizzie growls at the same time that I say, “Can’t you see that we’re busy!” 

Honestly, the next few minutes after that whole interaction, would definitely be the reason why we end up sitting in a familiar cell. Again. In trouble and waiting for Josie or Hope. Again. I'm hoping to die first, honestly. 

 

“This is your fault.” Lizzie grumbles, while examining her cuticles. I scoff, while looking up at the ceiling of the cell. I then lay on my back, away from Lizzie. 

 

“Bite me, RapunzHELL.” I growl, refusing to say anything else. She, however, doesn’t take the hint. Before long I hear a sigh. 

 

“You didn’t have to slap me.” She says, and I sit up and stare at her, disbelievingly. “What?! You didn’t!”

 

“A tree, right now, is tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. You should go apologize to it.” I quip, shrugging my shoulders before laying back down. It’s silent for a little while, and I couldn’t help but feel like this whole thing is pointless. Why am I even doing this? Are my feelings more important than Josie’s happiness?

 

“Look, I'm just trying to help you with Josie and this is the thanks I get?” She asks, almost mumbling to herself. I sigh, heavily. 

 

“If you would stop helping, that would be great.” I deadpan, looking over at the window. Or what would have been a window, had there not been cement there. 

 

"There's gotta be something that we've been missing...." She says, and after a moment, she chuckles. I look over at her and see that she has a smile and is actually starting to laugh. What the hell? 

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“It’s just, we always manage to wind up in a cell together and throughout this whole thing, the answer we needed was right in front of our faces.” She states, and I'm totally gonna regret asking this....

 

“What is that exactly?”

 

“Jealousy. Josie responds to jealousy. She always has. We find you someone to focus your attention on and it will drive Josie crazy.” Lizzie offers, turning to look at me with a devious look on her face. I frown. This was not a good idea. “Operation, ‘Take a walk in my park’ is officially a go!” She recites, smirking. 

 

“What the fuck did you two do now?!” 

Oh fuck.


	6. Luck of the Irish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hello there, I want to start by saying that I'm sorry for taking a billion years to update this fic, but I was unsure of how I wanted it to play out. However, I reread some of your guys' comments and they inspired me to write this chapter! I don't know if it's any good, it's mostly just a fun chapter. I hope you all enjoy it, comment and send some kudos to let me know. I appreciate each and every one of you for sticking with me :) 
> 
> Also, the meaning of some of the words/phrases in this chapter are at the bottom of the page. If any of them are not the correct meanings/terms than I apologize for butchering it or if it offends anyone! I tried to find accurate meanings!

“What the fuck did you two do now?!” An almost cold voice says, causing us both to freeze in absolute fear. There are very few things that I'm afraid of. Like almost next to nothing, actually. However, hearing the authoritative growl of the extremely pissed off red head in front of us is terrifying and, if I'm being honest, slightly arousing. Oops. Bad Penelope. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

“Babe, let me start by saying that...” Lizzie starts but Hope cuts her off immediately by holding up a hand before stepping closer to the bars of the cell. 

“Every fucking time you two are together, you always end up in a fucking cell. It’s literally 4 in the afternoon so how the fuck did you two manage to get thrown into a cell,” Hope pauses, a dark look passing across her face, “..AGAIN?!” She practically snarls, continuing to glare at us both before folding her arms across her chest. After a moment of silence where neither of us speak, Hope suddenly barks, “One of you better start explaining. Now.” Lizzie and I then both start talking at the same time and Hope seems to really be losing her patience cause she slams her hand against the bars, effectively shutting us both up. 

“It was just a misunderstanding at the restaurant.” I say, shrugging my shoulders causing Lizzie to snort, quietly. I nudge her sharply before plastering a smile on my face. A charming, no-one-can-resist, Park smile. The one that always worked on Hope in the past. Always. “Come on, Mikaelson, we didn’t even mean to this time. People are just a little too sensitive these days.” I grab a hold of the bars, eyeing her with what I thought was pure charm. Unfortunately, my smile doesn’t work. At all. Instead, I believe that it pisses her off even more. Smoke practically billows from her ears and I make the wise decision to step back. I then, not so subtly, push the blonde next to me towards the bars. Lizzie shoots me a quick glare before turning back to Hope with apologetic eyes. 

“Baby, we’re sorry..” She starts but stops when Hope suddenly chuckles with absolutely no humour in her voice. She leans against the bars, a smirk on her face. I don’t fucking like this one bit. I know that smirk. I’ve seen it multiple times in High School and College when Hope was about to do some evil shit. Fuck me.

“Oh, sweetheart,” She coos, gently, before her face turns almost sadistic, “...you will be sorry.” She growls, her eyes going from me to Lizzie as she backs away from the cell. “Guess it’s time to learn your lesson, ladies. Have fun in jail tonight.” She says, her eyes full of mirth while Lizzie and I turn to eachother in sheer horror. 

“You can’t be serious, Hope?!” I say, slightly panicked. “You can’t just leave us in here!” I hiss out, before kicking Lizzie in the shin to say something. She shoots me a glare before turning to Hope, eyes pleading and desperate. 

“Please don't leave, it’s cold in here and I'm pretty sure that actual trash is dumped in these cells!” She pleads, her eyes wild. “...and I'm not even referring to Satan this time!” I roll my eyes and want to tell Lizzie to go fuck herself but the thought of being left in here overnight overrules that feeling so I remain silent. Hope continues to back away, waggling her fingers at us. 

“Mikaelson! You fucking let us out of here!” I snarl, but it lacks the usual bite and anger I know I can possess. The fear of spending the full night with Lizzie in here is terrifying the literal bitch right out of me. Oh god. “Don’t leave me in here with Frosty the Snowbitch! I already have no soul, Hope, I don’t need to add frostbite to that!!!” I plead, but Hope simply laughs. “I’ll be your slave for a month!” I offer, as a last ditch effort. 

“I think the fuck not!” Lizzie growls, glaring at me. “The only slave you are is to your own stupidity, you hobbit sized Chihuahua!” I scoff and have to restrain myself from slapping her again. 

“They’re all bark and no bite, blondie, and trust me,” I pause, my eyes narrowing in anger, “..I'd fucking bite you, you long-necked giraffe motherfuck-” I stop mid sentence when I realize that Hope is gone. “She left.” I utter, causing Lizzie’s bitch face to drop. She quickly turns to the exit and whimpers. “She fucking left us in here, that dick.” I growl, angrily, before turning to take a seat on the bench. I run my hands over my face and try to get used to the fact that we are stuck in here all night. Together.

“Do you think she’s actually mad at us?” Lizzie asks, after a couple minutes of sweet silence. Her tone has me leaving the snark out of my voice, for once. I sigh. 

“No, probably just annoyed. We do get in trouble a lot and it’s always her and Josie who have to come bail us out all the time. I kinda don’t blame her actually.” I admit, leaning back against the wall. Lizzie heaves a sigh and turns around, walking over to the bench opposite me, mirroring me and leaning back against the bars connecting to the other cell beside us. 

We sit there in silence for a little bit, thinking about our current situation and it was honestly a blessing to not have to listen to her. I close my eyes and pray that it stays like this all night so we could just survive it without killing one another or without discussing my doomed mission of winning Josie Saltzman over. Of course, the universe hates me and never gives me what I want.

“Well ‘ello, ladies.” A creepy voice, with a thick Irish accent, says from behind Lizzie, startling us both. Lizzie shrieks and practically ends up on my lap in record time. I shove her off before sending a scathing glare towards the dude who suddenly appears between the bars. Definitely Irish, by the looks of his red hair and small stature. He also seemed kinda old. Lovely.

“Who the fuck are you?!” I snarl, anger apparent in my voice. A creepy chuckle erupts from the man’s mouth before a smirk lights up his face. He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off, “If the next words out of your mouth are something disgusting, I'll cut your tongue out with my shoe lace, Fucky Charms.” I threaten, darkly. He simply laughs out loud, which only serves to piss me off more.

“Oh common now, can’t a fella say ‘ello to his new shams?” He asks, and though the question seems harmless, his voice does not betray that sentiment, nor do I know what the fuck a ‘sham’ is. His eyes wander up and down our bodies and that just makes me cringe internally. I go to growl at him again but before I could say anything, Lizzie beats me to it. 

“Mind your own damn business, you Sound of Music reject.” She hisses, angrily. “Also, keep staring at us like that and I'll use that piece of straw on the floor to poke your fucking eyes out. Good luck finding your fucking pot of gold after that, Paddy McDumbass.” She threatens, and I have to turn my head in order to hide the snicker at the guy’s reaction. He looks taken aback but holds his hands up in defense, before smiling widely. Lizzie and I both recoil a bit. “Nevermind, looks like he already found his pot of gold and used it in his mouth.” She mutters, and I could do nothing but nod as I see his gold teeth. Ironic, I know. 

“Y’er both feisty flutes.” He discerns, letting out another chuckle. Lizzie and I both watch as he eyes us up and down again, however, this time it doesn’t feel as if he’s being creepy about it. “Say, you gals ever play ‘Cluiche na hÉireann?’” He asks, and Lizzie and I turn to each other before turning twin glares back to the Irish bastard. 

THE NEXT MORNING

“So he just drank all the booze, no questions asked and then punched the guy in the dick?” I ask, incredulously. The Irishman laughs, nodding wildly. “I’m surprised Siobhan didn’t bury his ass in the ground after that!” I quirk my eyebrow when he just shrugs. 

“How did he not die?! Surely, Shamus couldn’t handle that much alcohol without yaking like a sorority girl after a night of partying, right!?” Lizzie says, disbelievingly. Regan, whose name we learned over the course of the night, pointed a finger in the air, wiggling it. 

“I’m tellin’ ya, ladies, he was a total gowl! The bastard musta ‘ad about tirt-y of ‘em!” His eyes widen in amusement before letting out a belly laugh. “All fer a pretty skirt who ‘e t’ought to be my Iníon, Ainsley, but turns out was nottin’ but a feckin’ slag, I'd say!” He jokes, and we shake our heads in disbelief but can’t keep the amused smiles off of our faces. “Siobhan was effin’ and blindin’ at’ em all, she was. Just as scary as me wife when I came ‘ome after bein’ on the piss all night and end up wreckin’ the gaff!” He says, loudly, before letting out a scoff. 

Though the old Irishman was obviously a raging alcoholic and used a lot of terms and phrases we didn’t understand, he turned out to be the highlight of our night, despite his creepy demeanour in the beginning. Turns out he wasn’t even hitting on us, we just reminded him of his daughters, Siobhan and Ainsley, who were apparently visiting family back in Ireland with his wife.

“Alright ladies, you’re free to go, you too Regan, but go grab your stuff from Lilly at her desk first.” The guard says, opening both cell doors, “Behave, the lot of you.” He scolds, before walking away. All three of us walk out and head towards the exit before Regan stops at a door on the way. We pause for a moment. 

“Well I'm totally knackered, ladies, I'm gonna grab me things from the heifer with bingo wings and I'll send yas off, outside, ya?” Regan says, sending us both a wink before entering the door, not giving us time to respond. What a guy. 

Lizzie takes a deep breath and turns to me, as we begin our walk to freedom. Thank fuck. Though Regan was entertaining as hell and I ended up not wanting to shank Lizzie at any point overnight, I was exhausted. Jail was rough. 

“So while listening to Regan’s stories, I had a mild epiphany about the whole situation with my sister.” Lizzie says, and I groan before running my hands over my face, tiredly. “Hear me out. We said that jealousy might be the answer and it just occurred to me that I know a girl in one of my classes who would be perfect!” She says, almost excitedly. “She’s nice, driven and is apart of the one sport’s team that Josie can not stand at school.” We push the doors of the station open and I quirk an eyebrow, before it hits me. 

“She’s a cheerleader?” I gasp, quietly, as we see Hope leaning against her car, seemingly amused, as Josie stands by her side, arms crossed and looking particularly hot....er, angry. Meh, same thing. Lizzie puts a hand on my arm, effectively stopping us before we reach the other two girls. She holds up a finger to the other girls, telling them we need a minute. 

“Not just any cheerleader, Park.” She adds, a proud smirk on her face. “Head cheerleader.” Sudden realization dawns on me about where exactly Lizzie was going with this. I can’t believe I'm thinking it might actually be a good plan.

The one thing Josie truly hated in High School, rather, the one girl she really hated was my ex, Davina Claire, who happened to be the Head cheerleader and someone who often made it her life’s mission to always steal my attention away from my friends. Especially Josie, who couldn’t stand it and ended up releasing her inner bitch, while Davina was around. 

“It’s risky.” I say, sighing. “It could end up blowing up in my face if she finds out I'm using her.” I add, but Lizzie ends up scoffing, before waving a hand, dismissively. 

“Not if she’s aware of the plan herself.” Lizzie says, smiling widely. I think about it for a moment and decide to just go for it. It’s either that or moping around all the time. 

“Fine. We talk to her about it and if she agrees, we’ll go for it.” I concede, finally, and Lizzie does a little fist pump in victory before looping her arm through mine in order to pull me forward towards the girls. “The fuck..?” I question, the sudden move freaking me out. Lizzie rolls her eyes. 

“This is just gonna freak Hope out, and I can’t pass up the chance to make her feel uncomfortable after she left us in that hellhole, whether we deserved it or not, so just shut your whore mouth and look fucking delighted to be touching me, you knock off version of elf on a shelf!” She growls, tightening her arm around mine. Ahh, the bitch did come back the very next day. Turns out the song is accurate after all. Huh. I sigh and plaster on a fake ass smile. Hope deserved this shit. Oh, she deserved a hell of a lot more. 

When we reach the girls, it’s silent for a moment as the other two stare at us in confusion and, if I'm not mistaken, slight horror. It kinda makes it worth it, seeing the look on Hope’s face. The bitch. 

“Umm...How was last night?” Josie asks, hesitantly. Her glare from before replaced by absolute confusion. Hope clears her throat before quirking an eyebrow, apparently shaking off the whole thing. 

“Enjoy the slammer, did we?” She asks, amusement in her tone, but the look in her eyes screamed uncomfortableness. Oh, maybe not. Score. 

“Wasn’t that bad, actually,” Lizzie states, pulling her arm away from mine before shrugging. “Park and I bonded and made a new friend.” 

“What new friend?” Josie asks, sharing a glance with Hope. 

Just then, by the grace of god himself, Regan steps up next to us, now decked out in a fur coat, a fedora and a cane. Fuck me, he totally is a leprechaun, especially since he is barely reaches my shoulder in height. Either that or he’s just someone’s really short pimp. At this point, I'm leaning towards the latter option. 

“Free at last! My apologies fer takin’ so long, my wee lil flutes! Ole Bingo Wings was tryin’ ta flirt with me in there! I had to tell her to get outta ma feckin’ garden!” He jokes, sending us both a wink. This guy kills me. Old Irish bastard. His eyes then land on Josie and Hope an approving smile immediately lights up his face, as he regards them. “Well done, gals.” He says, turning back to Lizzie and I. “Don't be pullin’ a Shamus, ya hear? Snog’em while ya got’em, keep them there diddies up, an’ give ‘em hell!” I had no fucking clue what he meant by all of that but found myself nodding along anyways. He opens his arms widely. “Well, com’ere an’ give us a ‘ug, gals! I may be feelin’ as rough as a bear’s arse, but an Irishman needs to give ‘is kids a proper send off!” 

Surprisingly, both Lizzie and I hug the man with ease. I’m kinda gonna miss him and his outrageous stories along with the Irish bullshit he spews. The creepy vibe was definitely long gone at this point. If anything, I now consider him as an honorary bat shit crazy Uncle.

“Stay tiny, and keep chasing your lucky charms, Regan.” I say, smirking when he rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t drunkenly fall off the rainbow if you see your pot of gold at the end.” Lizzie contributes, smirking when he laughs, shaking his head. 

“Yer both arseholes.” He replies, sending us both a final smirk before walking off, a hand in the air. 

“You two get sent to jail and end up befriending an Irish pimp who greatly resembles a leprechaun, how is that even possible?!” Josie says, disbelievingly, her eyes wide. Hope is in a similar state as we turn to look at them both again. Time to do what a Park does best, my dear Hope.

"Luck of the Irish?" I offer, before turning my attention to Lizzie. I subtly gesture towards Josie and the car. Thankfully, Lizzie understands and doesn't question it. She simply grabs Josie and shoves her into the backseat, complaining about needing a shower and that she's too slow. Josie pouts and rolls her eyes at her impatient sister, who rolls her eyes before opening the passenger door, and climbing in herself, which left Hope and I outside the car, alone. I’m not facing her yet, but I can tell she’s eyeing me, warily. 

“You know the saying, ‘Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck?” I say, seriously before turning to Hope, my eyes meeting hers. She nods, hesitantly. “Well, I guarantee the penny you just picked up, isn’t gonna give you any fucking luck, Mikaelson.” I deadpan, a sickeningly sweet smile now adorning my face. I take pleasure in the slight fear I see in her eyes. “Karma isn’t as big of a bitch as I am, Hopey.” I sing song, before getting into the back seat with Josie, who I may or may not have 'fallen asleep' on. 

The car ride home is the quietest its ever been and it brings me great satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are, what I hope are correct, the meanings:
> 
> Shams-Friends  
> Flute-Silly person  
> Cluiche na hEireann-An Irish game  
> Gowl-A stupid person/idiot  
> Iníon-Irish word for daughter   
> Slag-Woman without morals; whore  
> Effin' and Blindin'-Cursing and swearing  
> On the piss-Out drinking; pub crawling  
> Wreckin' the gaff-Damaging/detroying the house  
> Knackered-Really tired  
> Heifer-Ugly country woman  
> Bingo wings-Underarm fat  
> Out of my feckin' garden-A term used to make people laugh; to get one to leave  
> Snog-Kiss  
> Diddies-Breasts  
> Rough as a bear's arse-Feeling rough 
> 
> Hopefully this chapter wasn't too confusing with all the Irishness haha I attempted it but I'm not really sure how thick some Irish accents are so I spelled some words the way I thought they'd sound. Stupid I know, but here it is. I really hope I didn't butcher it too bad for those of you who may be Irish! 
> 
> All spelling mistakes and such are mine! As always, comment or send some kudos if you enjoyed it, even a little! Also, there will be some jealous Josie and some Posie interaction next chapter! :)


End file.
